why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
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Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
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Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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