i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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