Screwed.edu
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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