The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
