My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
