It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
