I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
