Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
