If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
