You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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