worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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