batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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