You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
