i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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