I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
