Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
