Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
