Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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