My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
