I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
