I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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