My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
