News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
