Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
