Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
