We left an ass print on the piano.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
