saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
