she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
