I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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