i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he laminated a picture of his dick.
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Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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