party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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