i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
