i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
