We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
