My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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