The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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