Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
