if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
