i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
