How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
