I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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