the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.