I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping