my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
