hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk