Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
