Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
