Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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