If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
