The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
