Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have already put on my inside pants.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
