She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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