Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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