i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Pooping to opera.
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