I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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