real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You ruined the universe
Randomize
