I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
