The maid of honor just puked.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
